Yes, now you too can watch poorly-dubbed Italian classics like Playgirls and the Vampire, for free, on AMC. This is the perfect way to celebrate Halloween, unless you a) live near abandoned barns you can explore or b) have a goodly amount of small-batch bourbon and a toolbox of Hammer films at the ready. (Parties are also good.)
Also good is the fact that AMC is streaming episodes of the original Prisoner series, to tie-in with their upcoming adaptation starring Ian McKellen as the sinister No. 2 and Jim “I played Jesus” Caveziel as the prisoner, No. 6. As much as I love Ian McKellen, I maintain the opinion I held this summer: No. 2 should always be played by a new actor in each episode, to heighten No. 6’s uncertainty and set his usual “three steps forward, two steps back” pace. Ian McKellen will probably make an excellent No. 2, but so would Ricky Gervais. Go back and watch the original episodes, and you’ll know what I mean. To my mind there was no need to Galactica-fy The Prisoner by adding gritty realism; even during its most zany moments the series was emphatically bleak and nihilistic, with little potential for hope in either the system or the humans living in it. It didn’t matter that the Village’s prisoners wore primary colours and got hot cocoa each night before bed — they were watched as they slept, drugged by their caretakers, and betrayed by the people they trusted most on a regular basis.
If you want to see a real response to The Prisoner, go watch Dollhouse.
You know how you’re supposed to eat a lot of food and drink a ton of water before you give blood? Turns out, you’re really supposed to do those things. Otherwise, you might have a moment of complete and epic FAIL after donating, and have to prevail upon the graces of some poor guy who doesn’t even believe in altruism when you collapse to the floor in an unconscious heap.
Signs You’re About to Faint:
You feel completely fine.
Fine enough to get up and move.
That swarm of dazzling blue light? That’s just your naturally-low blood pressure. (92/64, baby!)
You can totally make it back to the chair.
Judging by my bruises, I fell on my knees, then my face. My jaw, specifically. (The same spot where I split my chin open in first grade! Old habits never die.) No one saw me fall. I imagine that someone turned a corner and stumbled over me, because I remember slowly coming to and thinking: “Wow, my bed is really hard this morning.” (Of course it was! It was the floor!) Then people were rolling me onto a cot and covering me in icepacks and asking me what day it was. (I had a moment of horrified doubt when the doctor smiled gently at me and said: “Oh, it’s Halloween, is it?”)
A few phone calls and some waiting later, and I’m being steered down the street by Peter “I Smell A Lawsuit!” Watts in search of pizza and maybe a nap. (“You take care of this girl!” the nurse admonished.) Which is how I got to watch the first two episodes of this show:
Which I quite liked, and was even able to stay awake for, having elected not to go to the emergency room, despite Mr. “Let Me Check Your Pupils!” Watts’ offers to the contrary. (Note: the follow-up nurse who called me today wants me to get my head checked. Literally.)
For all the unexpected scares, however, yesterday’s truly strange moment happened when the girl sitting next to me learned I’m a registered donor with the OneMatch bone marrow and stem cell registry and said: “So, wait, you’d really give your stem cells to a complete stranger?”
Why yes, I would. If it’s good enough for vampires, then it’s good enough for me.
You know, even without getting into postmodernity and schizophrenic time and juxtaposition, I’d say that my generation was primed for mashups and AMV’s. Not least because I once made it a point to watch my well-worn Betamax copy of this very special, taped off television in 1987 by my uncle for me and my cousins, ever year. My dad cloned a copy, Ring-style, and each October I would decide which afternoon was dreary enough to merit watching the tape again. The tape, recorded in gloriously fuzzy Extended Play (long enough to include Alice in Wonderland!), featured It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! as well as Looney Tunes and the Garfield Halloween special. But this segment of tape was always my favourite. Here’s why:
I mean, come on. This special has everything. Snow White vs. Pat Benatar. Ferris Bueller’s principal in whiteface. A special appearance by Vincent Price. What more could you want? Naturally this is the pop culture equivalent of Fantasia: where Fantasia is new animation over classical music, DTV Monster Hits is a series of classic animation shorts edited together over pop music (circa 1987, which in turn makes it retro, so we’re looking at three levels of time).
Also, watching this again makes me wonder: what’s up with Disney’s villains all being far more attractive and capable than the heroes? This was more a feature of the earlier films, I suppose: both the Wicked Queen and Maleficent were outstanding and accomplished women. When I was little, I wanted to be Maleficent — she could light things on fire, transform into a dragon, cast a spell over an entire kingdom, and she had a crow that did her bidding. Prince Philip only won the battle because he had three little old meddlers helping him, and they didn’t even know what a teaspoon is. Ditto Night on Bald Mountain: I wanted to be one of the spirits (hopefully with a skeleton horse) and take part in the festivities. (Who wouldn’t?)
I have just come to the startling realization that Mr. Ashby would look spectacular in a Rorschach costume:
He even has a fedora. And a trenchoat. And, you know, I could probably cosplay Sarah Palin (who would be hot for Rorschach anyway, given his leanings). If I had a party to go to.
...is a science fiction writer, grad student, おたく, and immigrant. She has lived on the outskirts of Los Angeles, Seattle, and Toronto, where she is now a member of the Cecil Street Irregulars and a contributor to both Tor.com and WorldChanging Canada. Her fiction has been published in Tesseracts, FLURB, and Nature.
